I’m Really a Mom

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

I Can't Believe I'm a Mom...

People that know me personally usually think that i was born to be a mother. I'm a Cancer ... So I'm naturally super sensitive and caring.

I'm also very protective and supportive of loved ones. Seems like the perfect setup for motherhood, right? Maybe...

It was never part of my master plan. I was never opposed to motherhood... (except for a while when I was 17 and convinced the world was ending soon so what's the use of having kids just to go through the apocalypse🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️) Aside from that , I just figured it would probably happen eventually. Even then, I have like 7 siblings... I'd surely only have one kid.

I was accomplished and I started a successful career in the military with the promise of travel and adventure. So, naturally I fell in love with a gorgeous loving man who wanted nothing more than to have 56 kids.

I did fall into motherhood quite easily. It was natural and my turtle was my husband's twin and my bestie. So, when we decided to have another baby, I wasn't phased. That is, until we found out we were expecting twins. Then I was phased af. Panicking... we went from 1 to 3 quick. Surviving that is another story...lol. Even after a 6 year gap, we wanted to have one more. One last hurrah...

Even after purposely trying for 4 kids and getting them, I find myself in awe. For the older kids, it blows my mind. Watching my 8 year old son develop his own likes and my twins' personalities start to separate is crazy. They are each tiny versions of real people. Now, with the baby, who is easily a wild man, my mind is blown all over again.

Pregnancy and growing little people is empowering. Having 4 helpless beings look to me for their every need is sobering. 

I spend  a lot of time in my own head. I watched I don't know how many birthing videos, regularly read dozens of parenting articles. I even read articles and listen to podcasts about how childhood trauma shapes adult behavior. There was so much in my childhood that was so beyond my control, I want to make sure that my kids are empowered and have a healthy start.

Maybe that is the part of motherhood that I can't believe. I'm a control freak that has lived my life in a purposeful bubble. And I signed up to take responsibility for 4 people that I will have generally no control over. Like, I can tell them how to clean their rooms, but i can't tell them how to choose their friends... 

When I say I can't believe I'm a mom, I mean I can't believe there are people that have me at the center of their world and all their understanding. I mean that I can't believe that I signed up to make sure they are protected from the cruelty of the world. I can't believe they are happy with the flailing panic thinly covered with a sweet smile that I call motherhood.

I'm thankful. Mothering is the tallest challenge I have ever stood against. I am determined not to fail. 

Do you ever have moments where you can't believe you're a mom? What are some moments that make you stand in disbelief of your motherhood?