I Can’t Heal If I’m Pretending to Not Be Hurt…

Photo by Julia Peretiatko on Unsplash

This is us.

When I look at the women that look like me, we've settled into a norm. What's wild is that the norm looks like two extremes. We see either the black woman as a martyr or the black woman as a nagging bitter bitch. Now, we have to first acknowledge the fact that our image in the media is a largely controlled narrative used to impose a negative esteem.

The black woman as a martyr teaches us the tried and true grin and bear it. We are expected to be the whipping boy in every situation and to take it as a badge of honor. How bad of a beating can we take and still drag on or persevere?

The black woman as the nagging bitter bitch is the other extreme. The loud talking nag that's constantly beating down herself, her man, kids and anyone close to her.

I think both are unhealthy and for the most part a caricature that we've been tricked into thinking we have to adhere to.

As black people, we are literally born into a life of trauma. The trauma transcends socioeconomic status. So, even for the most fortunate of us that may have grown up in a safe place, when you step out the door, that blows to the wind.

Then double down with the fact that you are a woman.

So what do we do? How can we win with the cards stacked against us?

We have to acknowledge the things that hurt us. 

Ew... I know 

Story-time:

I'm that kid. Weird. Just a lil’ bit... 

Usually I could fly under the radar, but when I couldn't, the teasing got laid on thick. But everyone got teased, right? Right...

So I carried on making adjustments to fit in better and not look so awkward and out of place. 

When my relationship with my dad wasn't what I expected it to be, i made adjustments for that. Meet people where they are and all that...

When I started talking to boys, naturally I got my lil’ feelings hurt. Adjusted for that...

By the time I got to high school, I was generally unbothered. Nothing really stirred me negatively or positively. Not in the way of interpersonal relationships. 

I really thought I was good.

I was pretending to not be hurt so well that I had actually convinced myself that I was okay.

In reality, all I had done was walled myself up so that all of maybe one person knew me. 

If no one could touch me, no one could hurt me.

When I got married, I not so quickly realized that wouldn't work. Talking through my life with my husband unraveled a lot about myself. I even found myself triggered by regular memories and sometimes even in tears. I was all fucked up.

I've never been bitter. I don't have the heart for it. I'm wayyyyy too anxious to be loud or a nag. So, I saw my fate. I would be a martyr. I'd grin and bear it for the sake of everyone else's comfort.

Talk about getting eaten alive...

I really had to admit the things that hurt me. (And I am not even close to done.) 

For me, its hard. My hurt from strangers was easy to let go. Those people didn't know me. Simple rationale could undo the basis of that hurt. The real hurt that came from the people I love is hard. They know me. They are supposed to have my back. The disappointment and distrust wrapped in that hurt molded the way I view interpersonal relationships. It was an integral part of my self esteem. It guided how I managed risk and how I made choices. 

I'm still working through it all to understand myself and what makes me tick.

We don't have to settle into either extreme. There is a happy medium. We don't have to grin and bear it. We can address our emotions, experiences and unpack our decision making without being bitter.

We can start by being honest with ourselves. Start a journal to address the things that bother you. Make a why chart to get to the root of the issue. Let go of relationships that cause continued trauma. Leave toxic people behind. Toxic romantic relationships, friends and toxic family members do not get to have access to your peace. Heal. Talk to a professional. Get real guidance from a mental healthcare professional to create a wellness plan. Use self care to manage your healing and growth. Take time to check in on yourself and to love on yourself. Set the example by treating yourself the way you want to be treated.